Almost Shat Upon

After lunch today I took a few minutes to visit the bathroom, sitting down in a stall and playing a bit of Solitaire on my phone while going about my business. The man in the stall next to me seemed to be moving around a lot, his feet pointing all manner of directions, and generally having a difficult time and using a lot of paper, but I generally paid it little attention even when I heard him cough and start swearing. A couple minutes later, after there was much rustling from the next stall, I was finishing up the game^† and getting ready to file my requisite paperwork I glanced down and noticed that something was wrong. There was a growing pile of slimy yellow-brown toilet paper spilling under the stall wall (photo). This was not good.

With the filthy paper monstrosity growing I quickly finished my business, all while the man next door kept up his vigorous wiping. When I turned to flush I realized the gravity of the situation: I had almost been shat upon.

The floor of my stall, only inches from where I rested my feet, had been caught up in this man’s issue. Judging by what I saw (photo) it appears that while standing this person had continued to defecate liquid, doing so with enough force that it sprayed multiple feet away. Into the stall where I was. Almost hitting my boots and lowered jeans. I suspect that the exact moment of this was his cough and subsequent burst of profanity.

Just as I noticed this mess the man exited his stall, and being a bit in shock and not really knowing what to do I looked out the gap in the panels to see who it was and waited for him to leave. The smell was almost overpowering and required me to breath through my sleeve to avoid gagging, but no matter how much I wanted to leave the stall I was even less interested in interacting with the man who had nearly sprayed me with his bowel liquid. After he left the bathroom I quickly hurried out to a sink and scrubbed my hands clean, only to realize that he’d carried his inner smell along with him. Hopefully he was on his way home to burn his clothes and shower.

I’m still amazed at this. There’s been countless times where I’ve accidentally happened into a stall which has been ruined by someone’s imminent need to vacate, but I’ve never been around to experience it, much less be caught up in it. I can’t really fault the man because I doubt he intended to expel diarrhea all over himself and his surroundings, but I do wish he’d both done a somewhat better job at staying seated until the process was complete and refrained from dropping multiple pieces of filthy tissue on the floor.

And yes, I’ve checked my boots and jeans numerous times just to be sure. I was spared.

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^† I will frequently play single-card-draw Klondike on my phone while using the toilet. Played correctly I can win almost any game in 3-4 minutes, almost exactly the amount of time it takes to do my business. This is enough of a mental distraction that I’m able to disconnect from whatever task I was doing and come back to it feeling refreshed once I’m done.